My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My blood type is b hungry.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.