It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.