My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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