zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Traveler’s camo
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
new career option?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”