When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.