Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
he looks great for his age
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “