Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
This makes total sense…
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.