If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”