Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.