*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.