My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
President The Rock Obama
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]