CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.