just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
You Might Also Like
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”