The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
58.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
#SaturdayBears
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe