If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Always
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Hello, my name is Pierre.