When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
This will teach them to underestimate me
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.