Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
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“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?