3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.