In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.