Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
New comic up. “Ransom”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.