Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Start the year as you intend to continue.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I feel it
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.