If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*