For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!