I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”