Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon