Birds & Planes.
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Krampus.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
THIS HEADLINE
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Well, this certainly took a turn
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected