Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Sheep
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.