Good point.
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.