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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”