Can’t wait to see my boys from college this weekend. They’re going to tell me about how much money they make in the finance industry. And I’m going to tell them that I’ve noticed an alarming and sinister pattern in the briefcases that contain a million dollars on Deal or No Deal
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose