Many of you townsfolk claim to be “on that merchant shit,” yet upon a simple day’s trip to the market, I have found none of your wares.
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand