everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
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Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Spotted in New Orleans.