PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
dude it’s called proctologist
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing