The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related