Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?