when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.