“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
We’ve all been there…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.