I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
liiiiiiiiike
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person