At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.