Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
You Might Also Like
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”