If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Labreador
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.