There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.