Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I am patiently waiting for your email
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*