I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.