I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.