anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore