my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
hmmm
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.