Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
#MeanwhileInCanada