Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.