I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]